Chaos to Cosmos
The path from chaos to cosmos was discovered by telling one's life story

Monday, 3 January 2011

Monday, 3 Jan 2011

The wonderful Holly

Managed 10+ hours of sleep last night, but, as is common, it was plagued by lengthy, vivid dreams with realistic and convoluted plots. Again, as happens a lot, Holly was with me in these dreams. We played, she bounded everywhere – like she did. It was WONDERFUL spending this time with her. It was DEVASTATING to wake up each day to the realisation that she’s gone and then re-living the unbearable grief. Woke with a headache, stiff and couldn’t get going until after the 2nd cup of coffee and really didn’t anything constructive after that. Updated the music on my MP3 player, which was not a great thing to in the evening, as the music stimulated me too much, so I couldn’t get to sleep until 3am.

Tuesday, 4 Jan 2011


Woke with the alarm at 8am, but was too knackered to move until 10am, having dozed in between. As we’re now back to the normal vegan diet, I actually don’t feel quite so bloody awful today. Nausea gone, so maybe I’m getting used to the Gabapentin too. [Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.] Better, of course doesn’t mean cured though, because I “just” feel as if I’ve been beaten and battered and flattened by a steamroller - a day where I feel that “if I take it easy”, I might feel able to do something in a few days. Exactly how one takes it any easier than being bed-bound except for loo and kitchen trips though, I can’t say! Did nothing productive and instead spent the day merely browsing fun and pleasant things and bought a few items on eBay to add some colour and cheer to my surroundings.

Wednesday, 5 Jan 2011


Only 4 hours sleep last night – music is great, but it’s too stimulating late at night – so I woke up feeling absolutely dreadful. Interesting article on Science Daily said the metabolic cost of a night without sleep is roughly equivalent to a 2 mile walk

[Although it's hard to get across how severe the effects of something "as normal as" a two mile walk would be, in contrast, for someone with ME.] 

But, I can absolutely equate to that. The [physical] stress of the missed sleep has left me feeling strung out, and has caused another cold sore, so I feel unwell generally from that. Pain levels (hip, neck and back) raised again. Concentration impossible, so I did nothing productive again, beyond writing one short email.

Thursday, 6 Jan 2011


Slept from 2am to around 10:30am, but I don’t feel caught up from the lack of sleep the night before and thus, woke up feeling like I still needed a lot more sleep. It’s also raining (again), so pain levels have shifted up yet another notch and the effects of Naproxen – which isn’t much anyway – soon wore off. Trying to read with music playing made me feel nauseas [more than usual]. When I got up to go to the kitchen, I felt dizzy and lightheaded again. Had chest pains all afternoon and into the evening, which also left me feeling tired and washed out. Pain in my right eye again. And back to not being able to go to the loo again.

Friday, 7 Jan 2011


Fell asleep just after 10pm last night. Half-woke when alarm went off, but didn’t actually stir until 11:45am – 13.5hrs sleep in total. Caught up at last? Nah. Didn’t feel any more able to do anything; certainly no more energy than usual, although less nausea. And weather still humid, so pain levels still high, particularly in my hip. Back pain particularly bad too, which might be related to [sluggish] digestive function. Again. So, yet another day where I browsed aimlessly as I couldn’t concentrate sufficiently for anything more, nor had the energy to do so. In sum total, I only managed productive tasks – online, lying down – for a short while (maybe an hour). Yes, this is ‘normal’. 

Saturday, 8 Jan 2011


So much for a good night’s sleep. Woke up at 4am and didn’t get back to sleep again until around 6:30. Took another Gabapentin in hopes that would help, but all it did was to give me an awful stomach ache and pains in the chest again. Woke at 11:15 feeling pretty grotty, not rested and with a major headache. I really want to change the bed, clean the room and sort my wardrobe, but I just don’t have the energy or ability to do it. [For the umpty-thousandth consecutive day.]

Sunday, 9 Jan 2011


Didn’t feel too bad when I got up at 9:45am, but as soon as I made breakfast, I was absolutely done in. Spent the rest of the morning lying down. Later, changed the bed. It took an hour and left me shaking with exhaustion from the exertion and unsteady, nauseas and hot enough to fear spontaneous combustion. Almost. Taking a shower after dinner was difficult to stand and balance.

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