Chaos to Cosmos
The path from chaos to cosmos was discovered by telling one's life story

Monday, 17 January 2011

Monday, 17 Jan 2011

The two fur people in a sunbeam.

Eight hours sleep (barring a few half-awake moments when the two fur people tried to raise me for their breakfast), all in one go and achieved without drugs. This is a first for months, but I won't expect it to be repeated. I decided to go “cold turkey” off the Gabapentin since I'd only been taking it for 2-3 weeks. I've also decided not to start the trial of the Lyrica (Pregabalin) until after I've given the Venlafaxine 3 months. After all, having waited this long for pain relief, what's another couple of months? Fell asleep at 8:30pm and woke up again at 10:30pm and was way awake again until 3:30am. Got another six hours sleep. 

Tuesday, 18 Jan 2011


Cats were insistent about getting me out of bed at 9:30am. Still tired and not rested, because of getting sleep in two separate slots again. Fiddled around on computer, but did not have the ability to concentrate sufficiently to do anything constructive. Otherwise achieved nothing else today, besides eat.

Wednesday, 19 Jan 2011


Got the sum total of 2 hours sleep last night. Managed a nap of about 2 hours more in the afternoon and, in between, guess what I managed to do? Yep, nada, nichts, rien ... Nothing. At. All. Could bearly follow a couple of episodes of ‘Bargain Hunt’. Consequently, pain levels, as usual in back, neck, hips, knees and lower legs are off the scale. The tenderness on the inside of my right foot (big toe joint) has also been increasing a lot again lately to the point that I cannot even stand to touch the bedsheets with it. Also, as is frequent when I’m super-exhausted, my nose is prone to bleeding and filling with dried blood.

Thursday, 20 Jan 2011


Took the cats out for a walk to the end of the house and back. [As you do.] Well, Kitty walked. Balu was dragged and carried, as usual. And just this minor exercise made me breathless, exhausted and left me feeling unwell from the “exertion”. By mid-afternoon I could bearly sit up and had to lie down in the dark and quiet again. Dozed later, but didn’t sleep. Started getting a dull pain between my shoulder blades again, like I’d been hit and winded.

Friday, 21 Jan 2011


It’s been a very long time since I felt this close to actually puking, even though I feel a certain amount of nausea most days. I’m also shaking and just feel unwell. I’m also getting stabbing pains in my head, which are random and in all different locations – they feel like electrical impulses, which is probably what they are. Have had to take Buscopan again to quell IBS symptoms and still have an unbearable stomach ache. I’m also more confused and ‘foggy’ lately and think this all has something to do with when mother washed the kitchen floor with a highly perfumed, chemical product the other day. It made me feel ‘gassed’ or poisoned at the time. Went round to the local shop and as soon as I got back, I had another dizzy spell. Applied heat to stomach ache and fell asleep straight after dinner.

Saturday, 22 Jan 2011


Raw, sore stomach ache again. Tried heat, but it did not help. Just feel awful. Oh and it’s cold again, so hip pain in worsened and it hurts even to sit in bed.

Today’s score on the Goldberg Depression Test = 77. This is a HUGE improvement since last time I took it. [Over 54 is classed as Severely Depressed.] 

[NB: It’s easy to see how physical diseases get [wrongly] blamed on psychological causes, although the reason they do is down to extreme ignorance and [probably wilful] inadequate interpretation of tick box results. Of course I do some things slowly: I’m physically ill and utterly exhausted; I’m bearly able to leave my bed, let alone the house, due to being, you know, physically ill – and I have been getting slowly worse since 1973, so I’ve kinda been there, done that and worked out that it’s not my imagination in that time – so yeah, no surprise, my future seems pretty hopeless. That’s without taking into account things like housing problems, financial problems, politics … again any manner of things that are not ‘just depression’ or are very good reasons for it. I have an illness that has physical causes that makes it hard to concentrate; I feel nausea, general malaise, serious pain, can’t even stand up, much less do any of the things I WISH I could do, so sure the joy had kinda gone out of life; The fatigue I feel is not that kind of fatigue, but they don’t qualify that; Yes, simple things take great effort: it’s no surprise, given the nature and severity of my physical illness and the amount it disables me; My sleep has been disturbed since forever: ditto, this is caused by physical illness (and makes the physical illness worse). But of course, the answers I give on tests like these suggest that I’m depressed – if taken on face value, which is all that is done with them. If I am depressed, it is only as a result of having a neglected, physical illness [and medical gaslighting], not the cause of it.]

Sunday, 23 Jan 2011


Woke up stiff, achy, with painful throat and a headache. Pretty normal day then! Made a concerted effort to rest in hopes it would make me feel a tiny bit better and more able. It didn’t work, but then it never does.

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