CHAOSTOCOSMOS

Monday, 30 March 2009

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Right now I'm having to take deep breaths to cope with chest pains, which I'm sure were caused partly by anxiety (I don't believe they always are, exclusively), because, once again, mother has pushed me beyond the limits of endurance and I finally had to tell her that I'm trying to do something and that my door was closed for a reason. (Both true.) Yes, I shouted at her and yes, I feel entirely justified. And, no I will not feel guilty for upsetting "a poor little old lady." The boot, as they say, is very firmly on the other foot. Of course, publicly, she makes sure she claims to be the victim.

Earlier she'd already intercepted me to ask, in a tone that sounded like the sort of panic akin to the ending of the world as we know it, had I changed my clocks.

So, for the umpteenth year in succession, I reminded her that computers change themselves (so does my mobile phone I use as a watch), so she had no need to tell me.

Anyway, if they hadn't, the world - probably - wouldn't have ended.

Yes, I know the incident sounds like absolutely nothing, taken out of context, but her entire tone and timing made it a clearly deliberately unwarranted (and unwanted) disturbance.

Oh, mother probably believes her own hype: that only she could possibly know about clock changing and thus she was being helpful (in control), or feels justified in wanting to get my attention, but, considering what she's been doing to me, I feel no guilt and no compulsion to give her any and, certainly not just because she WANTS it now, paying no attention to how I might feel and what my medical needs are.

There are plenty of other reasons why I'd shut my bedroom door, but the one I feel most justified for today - apart from the probably obvious and necessary stress avoidance - is that mother was yet again using spray polish in the house.

She is well aware that I've been allergic to all household sprays since, goodness knows ... before I reached puberty anyway and, polish sprays (along with hairspray that she's also been insisting on using a lot lately) are among the worst for me.

This is not something she's forgotten, because only the other day I'd reminded her, YET AGAIN, that I just can't have them in the same house as me. It's partly because of the hayfever like symptoms (believe me this is severe enough and the sinusitis headaches totally crippling), but also because exposure to these chemicals causes flare-ups of all my fibromyalgia symptoms. That's well documented and she knows, because (stupidly) I told her, because it seemed the logically correct thing to explain it all to her.

And that was a relatively pleasant discussion, where I had explained once more (just in case she had not recalled) - and she seemed to understand and accept - that I've always had to do all my dusting in my homes with a damp cloth and a little vinegar. (Cheap, ecological, non-harming ... surely adopting this method is good and no hardship?)

She claims she remembers everything. In fact, she seems to do so - well, certainly all the things she WANTS to remember - so, what is she doing? Yes, I really do think that now she has the knowledge she is doing things to upset me deliberately.

Because I immediately become breathless and nauseous, start coughing - and yes it provokes chest pains too - when I'm exposed to these substances, if she refuses to avoid their use, then all I can do is to shut the door to keep away from them and try my best to mitigate the effects - after all, who would want to feel more ill? 

But not even that works, because she will look for any excuse to open the door (doesn't knock, or if she does, doesn't wait for an answer) and twice more this morning, she's barged in, first wanting to know if I wanted her to clean in my room.

What makes that "inappropriate" and unnecessary is that, she has not done so before since I've been here. First, because I certainly wouldn't expect her to clean my room, secondly, I need to do it my way and, when I have the energy, etc., to manage and pace my fibromyalgia symptoms and, I need to do it myself because of the cats who are still hiding and scared of everything here. She knows all of that and that I cleaned the room not long ago (certainly not long compared to her cleaning frequency.)

Then she asked if I would do it - yes (obviously.) Now? "NO, I'm doing something", I said (pointing at the computer screen, though she could see I was anyway) and her reaction; the disappointment and frustration that flashed across her face, was like a 1000-word picture. She seemed most upset that I would not jump, disturb what I was doing to do it right now, this minute, on her schedule, to suit her wants.

And she still just couldn't accept a negative answer, because 30 seconds later, she had barged in again (didn't even knock) to whine that she is only trying to help, which is when I shouted to cut off the whole pathetic insincere diatribe.

It isn't worth explaining to her, but it's obvious that, if she really was trying to help, she'd a) let me rest and / or do things undisturbed b) allow me some basic respect and privacy c) not use chemicals in the house, etc., ad nauseam.

Obviously, one thing I could do (again, I think justifiably) is to put a lock on the door, but I know doing so would create a huge reaction and argument.

It's already bad enough that, as soon as I began closing the door to the room, the crazy woman started going outside the front of the house and I'd see her pressing her nose up against the glass to the window of my room, trying to see in.  Yeah, really!

There are net curtains, but it is still possible to see in, so for this reason and because it dawned on me that others would be able to see my laptop, I now keep the curtains closed all the time. I often also suffer from an over-sensitivity to light, it's better than looking out at a crappy wall and it's necessary on the mornings when the sun reflects on the screen. Of course, as soon as I began keeping the curtains closed, was when she decided that she could open the door whenever she wanted to. And that she does, despite more than once, I've told her that I don't care if the house is on fire (if it were, the alarm would alert me), so she has no reason whatsoever to open that door.

And, of course, I can't stay in the room permanently. I just had to go out to the loo and, the strength of the waft of polish is so strong the cloud hit me like a wall. Now I know that I'm super-sensitive, but it seemed excessive. Is that deliberate too?

Another of the things that (again, since I was a kid) has always upset me are air-freshener sprays - I also seriously disapprove of these things on ecological grounds, I should add - and, yet again, this is something that has been discussed all over again in recent months, reminding my mother that these cause me problems (hayfever, allergies, headaches, etc.) Yet, I've heard the spray and smelled air freshener - she's done this when she's thought I was asleep - that alone suggests that she knows she's doing something wrong - and she still she does these things and refuses to desist.

These are not the actions of someone trying to be "innocently" helpful, are they?

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