CHAOSTOCOSMOS

Thursday, 9 October 2008

When things go poorly

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Interesting question in yet another of the Blogthings quizzes (well, they may not be very academic, but you do learn bits about yourself), asks, when things go poorly, you:

  1. Hardly even notice, because your life is so great otherwise
  2. Still can see the bright side
  3. Can only hope that things will get better
  4. Feel a fire to make things better
  5. Can end up getting very angry

And it caused me to pause, because I could tick "all of the above."

Well all except not noticing. Although in Tenerife I used to be able to do that: look out at breathtaking scenery and even if things were desperate, still have blessings to count to divert my notice, now, all I would see (if I didn't keep the curtains permanently closed for privacy) is an ugly brick wall through a frequently rain-soaked window. There I can find nothing great.

Something else I used to have the ability to do, is I no longer have the fire to make things better, probably because the damp weather and even damper spirits have put it out! Either my confidence has been eroded, or I'm too tired, in too much pain, or my mind is in too much of a fog to see what I could possibly do - that I can manage - or even drum up the enthusiasm.

As a result, I have very little hope that things will get better. I know they will only do so, if I make them so ... but it's just too difficult without help and I can no longer see a bright side. It is all so chicken and egg. And, of course, this ends up generating, frustration, bitterness and anger.

Whilst I openly acknowledge that there must be millions worse off than me, if I ever had a soul, which I truly doubt, it has now been utterly destroyed and, this is not a situation in which one's sanity can survive for long.

Photo: by saavem

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