CHAOSTOCOSMOS

Friday, 26 August 2005

Retrospective Ramblings

I seem to have I caught a retrospective mood ever since I had the awful realization that my ex-husband will have turned 50 on Monday (that is if he is still alive and I do not have the foggiest idea, because I haven't seen him for 26 years).

If he is still alive, he'll, no doubt, be fat, bald and now OLD! Hehehe.

Well, I did say he was my ex. You can't expect me to be nice about this, can you?

Contrary to what my dear mother said on Sunday, I am NOT catching him up.

(Bless her. I'll wring her bloody neck when she visits Christmas. :)

But, I will admit it, this is bothering me a little.

Some people in their 20's are worried about ageing. I wasn't the least bit concerned then and even looked forward to 30. At 40, I felt a mix of resignation with the vain hope that life really was about to begin, but staring 50 in the face (as the above event reminds me, in a mere 18 months time) gives me but one reaction.

Fear. Fear that I'll be well and truly fu*ked - in the non-sexual sense!

I plain just don't like the idea. Heck, I haven't even grown up yet (because I have no particular wish to do so), but here I am looking forward to "old age" and the dubious pleasures of being seen as a "senior" for advertising and marketing purposes.

Thank you, but I don't want no knitted tea-cosies or incontinence pants. (Yet.)

In reality, I'd much rather stamp my feet and go play with my train set, but even that admission - which once could be seen as merely childish - will soon run the risk of having me labelled as SENILE: a poor doddering old fool who has regressed to a second childhood.

Must old people watch how they express pure pleasure?

The past is a great place to go when you want to avoid reality. It doesn't, however, stop the clock. I'm well aware nothing does and that my feelings are probably perfectly normal for someone "of my age". What's your excuse / thoughts?

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